Nothing that easy can be worth having! As human beings, we tend to value that which requires a certain level of investment, whether it be sweat equity, our time, emotions, or our hardearned money. Things easily had are often easily discarded, as we feel we can effortlessly attain them again. I like a challenge and typically enjoy doing things most people aren’t doing. After my epiphany that morning at the traffic light, I knew, without question, that I didn’t want to be a member of the “bums in a box” club. I began to think about everything that comes with sex without commitment. I pondered how things have changed between the sexes. How, not only can today’s liberated women supposedly do anything the boys can do, but do it better and with just as much emotional disconnect. I thought about it long and hard—and came to the conclusion that the theory of us handling sex as casually as men is all a bunch of crap.
Casual sex comes with an enormous amount of baggage, and I don’t mean the adorable vintage Louis Vuitton trunk-set type. I t’s more the free-duffel-bag-with-purchase they burden you with at department stores just because you bought a lipstick. You end up stuck with an unstylish piece of luggage that makes you look bad and, pretty soon, is full of holes. Being a woman who has had more than my share of casual sex and all the subsequent pitfalls, headaches, and ridiculously negative consequences, I am a believer that casual sex requires too much energy for so little return. Every time I found myself with a homielover-friend, I found myself alone at the end and the emotional toll was never worth the physical ecstasy. Never. I began to look around during holidays and birthdays, good times and bad, and there I would be—alone—unless I was being the good-time girl, the casual sex recipient, the jump-off, the homegirl. No matter what name we gave it, no matter how close the friendships, the sex was always meaningless and the consequences were always dire. I was never a life partner, never a wife. I needed more. Damn it, I deserved more! Sometimes we feel we have to have sex like men in order to be perceived as sexually astute. We pretend as if having a man crawl on top of us and shoving himself inside our bodies, panting and sweating without much focus on any further intimacy other than our bodies connecting, is no big deal. I t is. The sexual act is an invasive process. Our bodies don’t just touch a man’s when we copulate. We actually take them in. Everything about men becomes a part of us as they move around inside our most private personal space. I t’s a huge deal, ladies, and if we acted as if it w ere a huge deal, there would be no talk of “having sex like a man.” There would just be sex, pure and simple, between two conscious, consenting human beings.
Anyone who has ever taken Anatomy 101, or knows how men and women are physically constructed, understands that the act of copulation is internal for women and external for men. Think of it like this: it’s impossible for a woman to be emotionally disengaged once she has sex with a man for the simple reason that he enters her body and, literally, lays among her organs—the very instruments that keep her alive and give her the gift of life. This is personal, extremely personal. There’s no disconnecting from something this intrusive, no matter how much you try to convince yourself you can. When a woman’s internal organs are injured from something that goes horribly awry during, or as a result of, sex, her ability to procreate can be ruined altogether. The primary male sexual organ—the penis—is on the outside of his body. And while it may endure its share of bumps and bruises, a reckless swatting of the penis doesn’t have to mean a man can’t father children anymore. Ladies, this sex thing is serious business!
Once you’ve been someone’s casual sex partner for an extended period of time, one of you inevitably begins to crave more. I t’s a natural progression that occurs when the two same bodies repeatedly intermingle with each other. But let’s say that you’ve already set your standards and demands extremely low. Suppose you began a relationship on a sexual basis only, agreeing with someone that sex, and sex alone, would be enough and you wouldn’t require more than just a physical connection, but now things have changed for you. You’ve become emotionally invested. You actually like this guy… maybe even love him. To tell you to expect things will now change in your favor would be lying. We all know it doesn’t work like this. I t’s difficult to talk a man into being your life partner after months or years of noncommittal sex. You’ll be accused of trying to change the game in the ninth inning and men generally do not respond well to this. There is a way to prevent this. I f we were just more honest with ourselves from the very beginning and not so adamant on playing by the man’s rules, things could be different. We should choose to introduce our own rules, instead of bending to those that don’t come natural to us. You shouldn’t be afraid of what it means to be a woman, and part of that means understanding that we are wired to feel an emotional connection with a sexual partner, especially one who makes a repeat appearance. I f more of us were up front about this basic sexual truth, we’d stand a much better chance of finding more long-term, meaningful relationships.
Men seem to be more effective at compartmentalizing than women. They generally have more success than we do at putting things and people in priority and in perspective. When a woman settles for casual sex, she places herself very low on a man’s list of priorities, and he will treat her accordingly. He won’t understand her ranting about needing more of his time. He will become confused about where such intense feelings are coming from, especially if both parties agreed from the beginning that their relationship was just about sex and nothing more.
You can’t blame the man for this. Once the terms were set, the terms were set. This is why you shouldn’t accept this kind of situation at all, not if you’re actively seeking a fulfilling relationship. There’s no tricking the man down the road, no winning him over to your side of things. A situation like this usually ends badly, with the woman feeling demoralized and hurt because the man wanted nothing more than the use of her body, and with him resenting her for having tried to switch what he believed was an honest, straightforward situation. Don’t settle, ladies. I t will only work against you. When a woman ups the ante and demands more of herself and of a potential partner, the odds of getting what she wants increases exponentially Aside from the emotional baggage a woman can carry around with her for life, there can be serious physical repercussions related to casual sex. Aside from the inconvenient and embarrassing itch of crabs, the blistering discomfort of genital warts, or a lifelong relationship with herpes, you can flatout die after contracting AIDS. There’s no Airborne —that over-the-counter product developed by a schoolteacher for staving off the flu—that you can take to ward off these things. The ideal way to protect yourself is to employ good judgment, doing what is best for you in the long run.
Let’s be even more blunt about this, just to make sure you get it. Having too much casual sex can result in a woman becoming worn out, and I ’m talking literally, in this particular instance. Have you ever seen a woman you can tell has just been physically run through? Everything about her appears to be spent. Her face seems beaten and weathered, and her body has begun to give in to gravity, because that’s what happens when it’s subjected to too much wear and tear without sufficient preventative maintenance. And let’s not even talk about what sex does to your nether regions. Don’t lie, ladies. We all know what “porn pussy” looks like. The lips are practically hanging out of the panties on these women. The labia majora are now labia gigantica. You don’t want that, do you? Because the more casual, uncommitted, random, sex-for-sex’s-sake sex you have, the more beleaguered you and your genitalia will become. Why do you think the very lucrative market for vaginal rejuvenation has emerged? Way too
many women have been having way too much casual sex.